My husband and I have been married almost 26 years. I found out I was pregnant one month before the wedding. I loved him and thought he loved me. I thought it odd that he didn't want to make love while I was pregnant and assured him everything would be fine -- the doctor said so. But he didn't think it was good for the baby. After my beautiful daughter was born, nothing changed; he still didn't want anything to do with me. In fact, he usually stayed up late watching TV and fell asleep on the couch and that is where he remained the whole night.
When I got pregnant with my beautiful son three years later, I was flabbergasted, because we so rarely made love; it had to be a miracle. In our 26 year marriage, I can count on my hands and feet the times we've made love. Hard to believe, isn't it. And he swore he was not gay.
I stayed in this marriage because I'm a Christian and I genuinely loved him. When the kids were at home, it was easier to stay together then. Now they're gone and I find myself wishing more and more that I could get out of this shell of a marriage.
My husband has been terribly infatuated with a woman next door for about 3 years. He, of course, denied it, but it was pretty much verified when I caught him in the bathroom window checking her out with his binoculars. I have discovered pictures of naked women on his computer. I can't accuse him of having an affair, because I really don't see that he has the time to do this. He's always home.
We've been celebate now for about 15 years. On the rare occasions there was sex, I always initiated it. Every night I would go to bed and, like clockwork, he would always immediately turn his back to me. I cannot tell you the pain this caused. After 25 1/2 years of marriage, I finally decided to stop living in this dream world that I had a husband that loves me, that he just had an impotence problem. About 4 months ago I moved out of our bedroom.
Last weekend I went to work with him on the off hours, while he worked on a personal project. He turned on his computer and allowed me to access the internet. As I put the name of a product in the search engine, I noticed a female's name in the search engine, which had been searched for on a previous occasion. As I scrolled down all the "things" my husband searched for, one was an old girlfriend, several more were of women in the news accused of molesting a student they were teaching, others were of female newscasters. I feel betrayed and it's not even an affair, but I always thought that when he thought of a woman, it was me. I feel betrayed because in the past I always knew he didn't want me physically. He never brought me flowers and he never takes me to a movie. But I always felt that I had him emotionally. Now I know I don't have that either. If I was gone tomorrow, I think he would love his life. I never thought there was another woman, and I'm not sure there ever was physically, but mentally, I'm not the woman he wants. I know that now.
I know God should be enough for me, but I feel so betrayed and so alone, really alone. Please pray for me when you say your prayers.