Like so many couples, after 25 years of marriage, it is clear that one of us has a much stronger libido than the other. After a night of extraordinary sex, one wakes satiated with satisfaction that will last a week. The other starts singing the Trace Atkins song One of those Nights which tells that story of how the next morning, all Trace can think about is having another one of those nights.
At times, this has created real frustration. You can never get enough and when it is so good, how can you not want to do it again? are the prevailing attitudes. This would work its way into our bickering as well. One would say all you want me for is sex while the other was thinking I wish we could go through the rest of life without sex so this couldn't be held over my head. How could the moments of sexual bliss be the punctuation to long periods of insecurity? After 25 years of doing it' together with great skill and learning, how could this still be an issue.
In my mind, if my lifemate did not desire my body and crave intimacy, it was a sign that I was not loved as much as I should be. If my partner in raising a family didn't get totally engrossed in pleasuring me orally, but rather just went through the motions, I was devastated. When past experience showed the skills existed to drive me out of my mind with pleasure but the current performance was uninspired, it was a sign that I wasn't loved that much.
Meanwhile, my spouse had a very different way of measuring the depths of my love. If we would spend a weekend away from work, the house, and kids, and just focus on the two of us, I would get the most amazing sexual experience. After completing some items on my lover's project list, the sexual attention would climb. Sexual desire was a response to quality time or acts of service. If you do these things, then I will pleasure you down there.
For one, sex was the measuring stick of love while the other experienced sexual desire as a response to being loved.'
For anyone who can relate to our experience, we encourage you to read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. As the sexually charged spouse, my eyes were opened to a different reality. I was validated that physical touch is the number one thing to some of us but not everyone. I also came to understand that by spouse had an equal desire to have me demonstrate my love through actions by doing things on the list. I affirm my love for my spouse by serving. Whether I am getting great oral sex or completing one of my lover's todos, we are showing our love for one another.
Without this understanding of love languages, I would conclude my spouse wasn't wild about me and insecurity would creep in. If I wasn't sitting talking or completing some project, I wasn't showing my devotion to my spouse. Now I am realizing that when I do those things to help my spouse, it creates the desire for intimacy. Sex is not a payback for a job well done, but rather my acts of service are a way to prime the love pump.
For Anne and Jon, this adventure called marriage, is one of continual growth and learning. Whether we are sequestered in the Northwoods or making the most of a night when the kids are gone, it keeps getting better and better.