Forgive me but this is a long story and I really need help.
About 3 months ago, my husband and I got into a little argument, I don't even remember what about, but it escalated into something of a silent treatment both ways. We would do small talk, but that's it. And when he would try to be intimate with me I would neglect him because I was so upset that he ignored me all day and then only wanted to talk to me for THAT! I know, big mistake. Well it was like that for about 3 weeks, and yes, he ended up having a one night stand. He told me that's all it was, that he was only looking for sex because he was tired of asking me for it and me neglecting him. I felt horrible, I knew it was my fault, but couldn't believe it that he actually did it. I did forgive him and we tried to move on. Things were looking brighter for us, but then, he completely started going backwards.
One day he didn't come home from work, he told me he was going to stay at his mother's house, since he works an hour away, and he was too tired to dive back. I had a very bad feeling about it, and I told him, when I tried calling him he turned off his phone, he wouldn't return my texts either. I called his moms house and he was not there. The next day he told me he had to "do me" for awhile and that he was just driving around all night. I love him with all my heart and know that I have been demonstrating it as well. I felt as if I have been doing everything I possibly can, I pray many times a day, for him, for us, for restoration, I even pray that if he is not happy with me, that God give him happiness, someway, somehow. I finally couldn't take it anymore and told him how I felt and asked him what really happened that night he was gone. He finally sent me an e-mail telling me everything he is going thru. An e-mail because he couldn't tell me face to face, he feels he has let me down.
He said that a couple of months ago a girl he met 11 years ago contacted him to tell him that he might be the father of her 9 year old daughter. He doesn't know if she is his or not and is unsure whether or not he wants to be a part of her life. He left that night to meet this woman so that they can talk about everything. He said he didn't want to tell me because it has nothing to do with me, I don't agree with that at all, we are married and we have a 4 year old daughter....how can he say it does not involve me? He goes on to say that he hasn't been feeling like himself lately, that he misses his smile, his goofy ways. He feels he is insignificant. He tells me he has been talking to this woman, just catching up, she lives in another state, but that he did not have sex with her the night they met up. But they did go out to dinner and spent the night at a hotel. I asked him if this woman is pressuring to find out if he really is the father or if she needs anything, he said right now he doesn't know what is going to happen. I don't understand why he continues to talk with her if he does not want to be part of the little girls life. ( I feel he should find out, but am I anyone to tell him this?
Should I let them deal with this on their own?) He also told me he is talking to another woman (married with children, as if it matters) about his life and to get advice about "stuff". He knows I have changed, I don't neglect him anymore, I try to be happy around him and talk about his day but he doesn't talk to me about anything, unless I ask him, he says he loves me and he is sorry about everything and wishes he hadn't put me thru any of this. But yet, here we are, and we both don't know what to do next. If I try to discuss something important, like this issue of being a dad to another child, he will get quiet or give me one word answers. He told me he had never cheated on me before, never had a reason to, only did it this time because he felt neglected ( I understand and have forgiven him). He told me it was not sexual with this other woman he met up with, but it is hard to believe. I don't know what to do now. I feel better now that he has told me what is bothering him, but it has opened up a new can of worms. I feel as if I am not good enough for him, he is dragging me down into that hole of depression. I continue to pray and go to church and I want to completely trust God and him give my marriage to fix, it is getting harder and harder. Help me please.
Comment by: Old Site
Date: 2/9/2013 7:49:49 PM
A reader says ... I pray God will give you wisdom and that God will change his heart. You should read Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson. The book's advice might be for you to distance yourself from your husband if he continues to see and call other women. It appears he is just taking advantage of you. But I'm not in your shoes so if you can continue to love him - may God richly bless you for doing it.