Marriage Help Articles

Title: Is Dominance Christiqan?    Author: Unknown   This Writing Is Rated G

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Dominance and Submission have gotten a bad name. The Sadist/Masocists relationship has become so identified with Dominance and Submission that any mention of it conjures up injury and inflicting pain. Many people associate it with bondage. But that is not the whole story.

A loving relationship can have room for Dominance and Submission, and generally do, to some extent. If one person knows how to sail, and the other doesn't, it is perfectly logical to let experienced person act as Captain and the other as a crew member. This does not diminish the crew member. It only acknowledges the experience of the Captain. There are many reasons one person, or the other, may drive the car. But when two people try to hold the wheeel at the same time you are asking for an accident.

We do not see driving a car as Dominance and Submission, but an element of it is there. The Special Occasion Sex can also be Dominant or Submisive. "You can have anything you want.", puts one of the partners, at least partially, in control. The only bondage needed is the mental bondage of acceptance.

Control must always be within boundaries. We have to know there will be no infliction of pain. A controlled situation will never involve others outside of the relationship. It will remain exclusive and faithful. It is SAFE. When we are confident in the love of our spouse, we can trust them not to hurt us. They want to give us pleasure. It is not wrong to put the other in control of our pleasure for a time. Dominance then is temporary. It ought not to be a permanent part of the relationsip. And it must always be by mututal agreement. Forcing your Dominance on another is always violence unless the submission is voluntary.

But WHY would Dominance or Submission be helpful? I was married for 25 years before my first wife died of cancer. I married a 37 year old virgin. That may be one secenario. There are times when it is perfectly logical to ask, "Can I try something?" or "Let me show you this." For a short time there is a Dominant and a Submissive relationship. If we acknowledge that, if we accept that, we can use it more intentionally or to a greater extent.

Dominance is not forced, and submission does not mean passive or comatose. The most intentionally active person may well be the one whe decides to be Submissive. "I choose to put you in control for tonight.", is to be ultimately in control. You start it and can end it. The Submissive also sets the parameters; the time frame; what is acceptable; what is not. Most of these things are understood and are apart of your relationship. Sometimes the Submissive will allow what is not normally a part of your experience. If one partner likes oral and the other is reticant the statement, "You can have anything you want." will probably include oral sex. The Submissive has the control to say, "You can have anything you want except _____ ."
The Christian Marriage definately has room for moments when either partner can say, "You are in control right now. I will do anything you ask." It is an expression of trust.

What does it say about our relationship if I can not feel confident to put my spouse in control?

Dominance and Submission can be too big of an issue. If one person keeps expecting to be dominant or worse, demanding to be dominant, it is not healthy. There is sufficient room for mutual play in a healthy marriage. But there is also a place where one spouse can express their trust by offering to be submissive. It may even pose a challenge if one spouse has to plan or choose, especially if a romantic rondevous is placed under their control. You can use it in your marriage. It does not have to be a major component of your sexual relationship. But it does not have to be excluded from a Christian Marriage.