Marriage Help Articles

Title: How To Have A Happy Marriage    Author: Marriage Wisdom   This Writing Is Rated G

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Hi,

We have been married for 30 years.  I would say we have had a good marriage.  Our children are grown up and are successful.

But unfortunately we have argued a lot in our marriage - well really only on one situation.  I'm going to purposely try and be vague as to who is who in the next paragraphs of discussion.  The reason is because in some marriages it might be the man who acts a certain way and in other marriages it might be the woman.

Here is how our arguments get started.  One of us disagrees with the other or maybe disagrees with how something happened - when both of us watched it or experienced it.  These arguments are not over important subject matters - these are arguments over petty things.  But they are arguments about who is right or wrong about what transpired or what took place.

In a good marriage a husband and wife can both be polite and fair with each other and hopefully agree on what happened.

In not so good of a marriage, either the husband or wife deal what I call "low blows" to the other.  For example instead of focusing on the issue they may bring up the past and because to use generalisations like "you always" or "you never" or "I don't want to talk about it" or "why do you go on and on".  Or the spouse dealing "low blows" may bring up things their spouse said from the distant past like, "you said ..." or "you did ..." when their spouse may have clearly and lovingling changed their mind about what they had said in the past or the past was already discussed and resolved or forgiven several times at this point in their marriage.

If you observe closely, you may realize that the spouse who gets upset and deals the "low blows" actually goes into a "rage" and becomes "angry" and when they do that, they lose their ability to reason - it becomes very difficult to reason with them.  When you try to reason with them they deny and defy logic and continue in their "tirade" and "rampage".  You can identify this stage because they are yelling at their spouse.

Many times this "rage" from one spouse causes the other spouse to join in and yell back and return evil for evil.  This can cause both spouses to become emotionally drained and both be ready to give up their marriage.

So what do you do when you find one or both of you falling into "raging" angry yelling at each other with half-truths and generalizations about the other? 

The first step in the solution is for one spouse to recognize what is going on and be mature enough to not participate in that kind of "low blow" "rage" and marriage mental abuse.  One spouse needs to decide to be loving and kind towards the other spouse - regardless and even if the other spouse has these temper tantrums or "rage".

The next step of the solution is, that once the "rage" is over and both spouses are not emotionally drained, is for the more mature spouse to point out to the other spouse what they are doing.  Explain to them that they are going into a 'rage" and are becoming "hysterical" over little things that should not normally trigger such anger. The spouse who has the "rage" will most likely deny that they do it, so just point that (this time), that you noticed it and wanted to help your spouse my making them aware of what you noticed.

The next step of the solution is, that the next few times they go into a "rage", you have to remain loving and kind and not fall into a "rage" yourself, but point out during your spouse's "rage" - point out to he or she how they are acting.  When they are in the middle of a fit of "rage" and anger and they are yelling at you, they are much more likely to recognize it and admit it.

So once you have pointed out several times to your spouse that they have these fits of "rage", ask yourself if it bothers you that they have this anger problem.  Ask yourself if you know why they have this anger problem.  Ask yourself, is there anything you can do to help them not have this anger problem.  If their anger is justified, like for example because you are continually cheating on them, then decide to change so that they won't have reason to be angry in the future and communicate with them that you are sorry and want to change and will change.

If their anger is because of circumstances that neither you nor they can control, then be tolerate and forgiving but try to explain to them that when they yell at your the hurt you and ask them to please try and not take their frustration out on you in a "rage".

If you cannot take their fits of "anger" and you are sure you are not doing the same, then it might be time to lovely let them know you can't go on this way.  You then you can explain to them that this is not fair and you can't continue in the marriage this way.  Explain that they need to learn to control their emotions and learn to communicate lovingly without yelling and "low blows". 

Normally when they realize they are ruining their marriage and you are losing your respect for them they will wake up and change.  Explain to them that they are acting "crazy" when they go into a "rage" or anger.  Explain to them that you want to help them and that there are ways they can communicate without going into a fit of anger and yelling.

If they continue, then seek counseling and/or separate.

Now let's change to a different subject matter.  I was raised and taught that the man should be the head of the household.  For 30 years I tried to be the head of the household.  But all of those years I was aware and observed that my wife had a stronger personality than I do.  So what happened?  We butted heads a lot.  Like two Billy goats we butted heads often.   Why?  Because I was supposed to be the leader and she naturally likes to lead.  After 30 years of marriage I realized that to have a happy marriage, all I had to do was always agree with her.

That is my secret to a happy marriage.  If you want to have a happy marriage, always agree with your spouse.  However if you are the one in the marriage with the dominate personality, the one who has a stronger personality, the one who naturally wants to lead, then you won't be happy always agreeing with your spouse.

Here is how to tell who has the stronger personality in the marriage.  Think about when you have had arguments in the past.  You know when you have an argument you end up not talking?  You end up upset with each other?  Ok, so after an argument like that, who is the one who makes up?  Which one of you reaches out to the other to say they are sorry and tries to mend the relationship.  The one who always makes up and says they are sorry and tries to fix the relationship is the one who has the weaker personality - the one who is more of a follower.  The spouse who never says they are sorry, and never tries to make up or mend the relationship - they are the spouse who MUST be the leader.  They are the spouse who can never be wrong and never will admit they are wrong.

The weaker spouse is the one who has to decide to always agree with the stronger willed spouse. Why?  Because the stronger willed spouse will constantly butt heads with the weaker spouse, anytime the weaker spouse tries to exert leadership in the marriage.  If the weaker spouse cannot live with the stronger one being the leader, they should consider getting out of the marriage.  If they want to stay in the marriage they should decide to never disagree with their spouse - in order to have a happy marriage. 

Ok that's it for today folks!  Happy Marriages!